Working in an open office environment, having group lunches with my colleagues every day, coming home to a household where I am one of six people, spending as much time with my friends as possible and one of them has a large family who I also hang out with and consider them my second family – I am constantly surrounded by people approximately 17 hours a day.
I love my job, my co-workers and I’m grateful that I live with housemates that I’m close to and my second family who are so welcoming and caring. I enjoy socialising, talking, laughing, eating out and so on since whenever I’m by myself I always wish I was talking to someone or had someone to accompany me.
However, over the past couple of months I’ve noticed that something isn’t quite right…
My gut feeling is always the first to speak. It pipes up saying “something’s not right with you. You’re angry, anxious and negative most of the time” however it takes a while for my mind to catch up and understand why I’m feeling this way.
I’ve worked it out to be that I have very little time to sit down in a quiet place, analyse my thoughts and let go of the ones that are causing unnecessary angst. During shavasana in yoga when we had to do this I was never good at it, I couldn’t clear my mind since I’d end up thinking of something funny and start silently laughing to myself. Even though my eyes were shut I could feel the yogi’s face glaring at me thinking you’re not taking this seriously. Come to think of it, I guess I did do shavasana subconsciously throughout the day but without the corpse pose. I’d often stare into space, think about why I was angry at someone or something for example and then wondered if it was still relevant or if it had been resolved and let go of that thought or think of the next steps on how to add closure to it.
With the weekend now here and after a busy Saturday morning I thought, how am I going to spend the rest of the day? The answer was easy, spend the day on my own.
I went to a couple of one bedroom apartment open inspections, drove to my favourite cafe to sit and have brunch and a coffee while I filled in my tenant application forms.
Afterwards I walked around the street past the local shops, drove home and spent 4 hours on cleaning since our house was in dire need of it, went out to get some dinner and to the shops to buy more cleaning products and then back home for more cleaning until I finally decided to have a break and resume tomorrow.
Normally I’d cringe at the thought of going to a cafe and asking for “a table for one” and spending 5 hours on a Saturday cleaning however I had a great day just me, myself and my gangsta rap music.
At the age of 25, I’ve realised that it’s okay to be alone. I’ve lived in share houses for 5 years and although I am fortunate to have met many great housemates throughout the years who will remain great friends I believe that it’s time to move on and find my own place.
In terms of friendships, it has to go both ways and I’ve realised that it’s not selfish to say I don’t feel like going to that event/going out for a drink/going to the beach etc when I’m not feeling my best either mentally or physically – I need to look after number one.
In regards to the man I having been seeing (I used that term loosely) for 6 months, well lets just say that I’ve decided to cut him out of my life.
It has always been my dream to have a loving husband, two to three kids, own a three to four bedroom house and own a dog or two. However at 25 time is ticking and I may never have those things so I’ve made contingency plans and I’ve come to realise that that’s okay. If I don’t have the family and loving partner I’ve always wanted (I’ve had very bad luck with guys) then I’d rather be alone than with someone who is disrepectful and ungrateful, I’d rather have no kids than have kids when I’m not ready for them. I’ve watched my friends and people I know have children accidentally or they’ve become a single parent and watching them make sacrifices trying to provide the best life of their kid takes a lot of strength and hard work – I could never do what they do, I’m paranoid I’d fall in a heap if I ever experience a situation like theirs. As much as I love dogs and have been keen to get another dog after my dog passed away several years ago, I’m waiting to get a dog when my living situation and lifestyle is 100% suitable for one and if it never happens to be then that’s okay. I’ll just get a cactus or other low maintenance plant to look after 🙂
As for tomorrow, since I enjoyed my date with myself and should do this again sometime soon I’ll take myself out for another coffee date.